My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
