When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
