I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
