I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
