i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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