someone threw a dead crab at me
operation have a gay friend backfired
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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