I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
