Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
