I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
