Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
