This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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