Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
