They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
