Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
