I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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