I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
