he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
