i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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