Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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