he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
