its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
