I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
