history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
