if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
