Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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