I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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