I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
