That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
