two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
