dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have tasted many bathrooms
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
