I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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