I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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