So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
