i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
