Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
