nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
