If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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