I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
