Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
