my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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