ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
