look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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