Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
