If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
