her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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