I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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