Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Randomize
