as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
