she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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