would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
