absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
