weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
