He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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