The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
