The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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