when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
